keystone

Four tips to Positive Parent-Child Interactions

Tue, 20 Nov 2018 15:08:08 GMT

A child’s development: physical, cognitive, social, and emotional, is led by how her attachment needs are being met. Attachment is at the core of human relationships and is what matters to children to be able to survive, to explore their world, and to eventually gather enough confidence to become independent. If attachment needs are being met appropriately, a child will seek proximity and closeness with his/her attachment figure and feel safe to explore his/her surroundings knowing that a care-giver is close-by if the an emotional check-up is needed. The following 4 positive parent-child interactions are strategies for a parent to foster a healthy and secure attachment with their child.

1. Make the parent-child relationship priority.

Children need to know that they matter to their parents, which is learnt by observing their parent’s actions and by what appears to take priority in the moment. Strategies to show the child that his/her relationship is a priority include: taking a few moments after returning from work/school to reconnect with the child in whatever way the child indicates is needed, only making promises to the child that a parent is able to follow through on, and when the moment does not allow for making the child priority, providing a concrete time-frame to the child for when the parent can make him/her priority and get back to the child within this time-frame.

2. Set weekly parent-child dates.

Weekly parent-child dates allow the parent to spend regular scheduled one-on-one time with the child. This time allows for an emotional check-up and reconnection of the parent-child relationship. This time should be child-led where the child chooses the activity and the parent meets the child where he/she is at.

3. Provide positive reinforcement.

In this strategy, the parent “catches” their child being “good” or doing something well and comments on it to the child. If a child attempts an activity but is not able to complete it to the parent’s satisfaction, the child’s effort should be positively reinforced. The positive feedback to the child should be provided immediately after the behaviour and should include specific information to the child for what he/she did. Communication regarding a child’s behaviour often seems to centre around what the child is not supposed to do, what they did wrong, or were not able to accomplish. However, it is also very important for the child to know what he/she did right and what he/she did well. Providing positive reinforcement to a child will also increase the frequency of the child performing that behaviour again. This strategy not only fosters a healthy attachment between parent and child but also enhances the child’s self-esteem and confidence.

4. Preserve proximity to your child while away from her.

A final strategy to increase positive parent-child interactions and to foster a healthy secure attachment is for parents to help their children feel close to them even during times of separation. This strategy can be done for example by parents sending notes with the child to let the child know they are thinking of them, or by phoning the child when the parent is at work to see how the child is doing. Small check-ins by the parent to see how the child is doing reminds the child of his/her importance to the parent and is a quick emotional reconnection in an otherwise busy and disconnected day.
While children are naturally inclined to seek a healthy and secure attachment with their parent it is the parent’s responsibility to continually foster this relationship. A parent’s role in a child’s life is like a gardener nurturing flowers, the work is never complete it just shifts as developmental needs change. These strategies for positive interactions may be used for a child in any stage of development to care for the secure attachment that children seek from their parents.

Understanding Our Adolescent’s Struggles

Tue, 20 Nov 2018 14:52:58 GMT

Suicide is a traumatic reality that has touched many of us in the past year in Grande Prairie. It seems to be an epidemic that is rippling through our adolescent population causing heartache to many families, friends, and peers. Many questions are asked about what could have been done: “Why my family?” “Could I have done something different?” or “Why didn’t I notice any signs?” Many emotions can be triggered from loss such as anger, fear, guilt, and sadness. Nothing can prepare us for the devastating impact when a loved one chooses to take his or her life. Because it seems to be an ongoing community epidemic, we are left searching for answers to stop the devastation, while living in ongoing fear of who will be next. The following article will hopefully provide some information to help family and friends understand adolescent suicide, provide strategies to shield adolescents from using suicide as an option to escape their struggles, and provide strategies to strengthen family relationships.

Understanding Adolescents

Adolescence is a stage of development that can be a tumultuous time for both the adolescent and their family. It is during this time that the adolescent is trying to discover and establish their own identity, while at the same time they are very dependent on their relationship with their parents and siblings. This is a time that keeps parents on their toes, as from one day to the next they are unsure if they are interacting with a “child” or with an “adult”. It can be a very confusing time for parents as an adolescent’s needs and expectations very greatly from one moment to the next and the wrong response could set them spiraling into a battle. To add to the confusing, albeit natural, developmental process is the copious amount of literature written to provide families guidance on how to respond to their teen. It does not help that much of the literature disagrees with itself. So what is a parent to do? Especially when that parent wants to do what is right and what is best for their adolescent.

The Search for Identity

Adolescence is a stage of development marked by much interpersonal conflict. It is during this time that they are attempting to find and establish their own sense of self, which for many seems to result in ongoing battles with family, peers, and teachers. If external conflict weren’t enough, many teens often struggle internally as their own thoughts and emotions are in conflict. In an attempt to develop an autonomous self, adolescents grapple with developing their own beliefs and values and they struggle with the similarities and differences from their family’s value system. They may try on different identities and experiment with different beliefs and value systems before they settle on one that fits for them and their understanding of who they are. It is in this process that they develop a strong sense of self. It is also during this process that the parent’s role shifts, but nonetheless remains vital, to the healthy development of their son or daughter.

The Need for Independence

This stage of development is also a time where there is an increased need for independence. As youth enter this stage they start to let go of their dependency on their family so they can establish themselves as separate to their family. As with the search for identity, this can increase the internal and external battle for a teen. The need for independence strongly pits the teen against the natural drive for dependence and attachment to their parents and others of significance. It is in this internal battle that parents struggle to understand. During this time when the adolescent’s behaviour is unpredictable, and sometimes quite frustrating, if the parent can remain attuned and responsive to their child there will be many benefits for the adolescent and many benefits to the parent-child relationship. It is in the attunement (being aware of, and responsive to, a child’s emotions and needs) that a parent will be best able to identify the child’s momentary needs and therefore will be able to respond appropriately that either honors a child’s need for dependence or honors a child’s need for independence.

Parent’s Shifting Role – What Stays the Same and What Needs to Change

It is commonly thought that during this stage of development teens distance themselves from their parents and develop a closer attachment to their peers. This is not entirely true. While the importance of peers does increase during this stage, the parent’s role remains just as integral as in other stages of development. In order for individuals to successfully (and hopefully with the least amount of turmoil) make it through adolescence they require a strong and thriving connection to their parents. It is through an adolescents’ relationship with the parents that they receive consistent and predictable emotional nurturance, important for development, healthy self-esteem, healthy peer relationships, and, if need be, to soften the blow of the impact of trauma. It is important for friends to keep the role as peers and to not be a parent replacement.
What needs to shift is the way the parent is involved, not the degree that the parent is involved. Parents should continue to make sure there are plenty of opportunities for one-on-one time with their adolescent. An adolescent will be more responsive to the direction of parents if he or she believes he/she has a strong unconditional relationship with at least one parent. While it is important for adolescents to experience more responsibility and independence, a parent should also make sure there are also times the adolescent is dependent upon the parent, as this also preserves the attachment relationship.

Understanding Adolescent Suicide

When trauma occurs, such as the chain reaction of suicide and suicidal attempts amongst our most vulnerable teens, development halts until the thoughts and feelings can be organized around the event and healthy coping strategies are utilized. Adolescent development may be interrupted until the trauma has stopped and the issues surrounding the trauma are resolved. Therefore, it is extremely important for adolescents to have their attachment figures rally around them in a supportive manner and help them walk through the difficult time. However, it appears that resolution has not been possible with many adolescents in Grande Prairie. Over the past year there have been many events that have occurred that can be labelled as trauma that have significantly impacted the lives of our adolescents. One traumatic event has been compounded by another traumatic event, and by another, and so on, not leaving our teens with sufficient time to process and grieve each event. The more the traumatic events are left unresolved the more at risk our adolescents are of experiencing symptoms of distress, interpersonal problems, experiencing lower self-esteem, engaging in self-destructive behaviours (such as drugs, alcohol, self-harm, etc.), and worse, considering suicide as an option. Below is a list of events that might increase an adolescent’s risk of suicide, signs and symptoms to watch out for, strategies to safety plan with your teen, and ways to care for the family as a whole.

Circumstances That Increase Risk

If an adolescent is not strongly rooted in a healthy close relationship with parents and siblings the developmental hurdles that a teen must successfully master can be overwhelming. Adolescents need support when confronted with the loss of friends and acquaintances to suicide.

The following list is examples of circumstances that may place your adolescent at greater risk for considering suicide. Please note this list is not exhaustive, there may be other challenging circumstances that your family and/or teen has experienced which also require an immediate response.

Past trauma (e.g. car accident, abuse, death of a loved one, bullying, etc.)

Parental divorce/separation

Death of a loved one

Ongoing conflict (parent-to-parent, parent-to-teen)

Newly blended families (e.g. step-parents and step-siblings)

Physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse

Addictions in the home (e.g. drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc.)

Exposure to domestic violence

Substance abuse (parent or adolescent)

Break-up from boyfriend/girlfriend

Suicide (including attempted suicide) of a family member, friend, or peer

One of these situations may place a youth at risk, but if an adolescent experiences compounding issues this significantly increase his or her risk of suicide. However, the more of these challenges an adolescent experiences the more at risk they are of suicide. Additionally, if parents (and other significant adults to the adolescent) are not sufficiently responsive to the adolescent’s distress signals this may also increase the possibility of suicidal ideation or, potentially increase negative coping strategies such as use of drugs and alcohol.

Signs and Symptoms of Concern

Each adolescent will be affected by life’s challenges to varying degrees. Individual responses and resilience factors related to coping will depend on such things as the health of the adolescent’s relationship to his/her parents, personality style, and his/her perceived control in each situation. While it is necessary to stay in communication with your teen there are behavioural changes to be aware of that could indicate your teen may not be directly expressing their concerns to you. It is important to know what is typical for your teen as some young people appear depressed and isolate themselves, while others will attempt to repress and hide their struggle which is expressed through an increase in energy and hyperactivity. Signs to watch out for include:

Isolation and withdrawal from family and friends

Loss of interest/dropping out of previously enjoyed activities

Changes in grades at school (increase or decrease) and/or an inability to concentrate on schoolwork

Changes in eating patterns (increase or decrease), note any significant changes in weight gain or loss

Changes in sleeping patterns (too much, too little, or inability to sleep alone)

Increase or decrease in energy

Drug and alcohol use

Cutting

Loss of interest in personal appearance

Regression, rebellion, running away

Low self-esteem and self-deprecating comments (including inability to accept praise or rewards from others)

Complaints of headaches, fatigue, stomach-aches (including missing school because of physical complaints)

Many parents hope that when their adolescent expresses suicidal thoughts that it is either a phase or an attempt to manipulate the parents into something. Any expression of suicidal thoughts or plans must be taken seriously by a parent. Even if the adolescent is not serious about following through on his or her expression of suicide, it is a loud and clear expression for help (and attention) and some course of action must be taken by the parent(s). When an individual comes to the point of contemplating suicide and/or are voicing the possibility of suicide he or she is quite troubled and therefore requires support from both family and professionals to organize thoughts and feelings and develop healthier coping strategies. When a child/adolescent reacts to this degree their basic decision-making and problem- solving abilities have been hijacked. They are unable to find appropriate coping strategies on their own. Until the young person is able to process the event and underlying feelings, their normal developmental process may be considerably interrupted.

Safety Planning With Your Teen

So what should a parent do if they are worried that their adolescent is at risk of harming him or herself? First and foremost, it is paramount that the family does not ignore the warning signs that may indicate the adolescent is at risk, this could increase the chances of them harming themselves. It is important to immediately seek out professional help, whether through the school or through the community to provide support to both the adolescent and the family. If it is not possible to make an appointment in a reasonable amount of time, or if the teen is in crisis, the parent can bring the adolescent into the emergency unit at the hospital. Open communication between a parent and the adolescent is also essential, this includes listening to their ups and downs and helping to clarify emotions they may have from significant events that happened to them throughout the day. Communication also includes asking about self-harm and suicidal ideation. Finally, developing a safety plan (something the family’s counselor could help them develop) will provide the adolescent and family with direction when times of crisis do arise. Information to include in the safety plan is:

Alternate activities to do when thoughts of suicide arise: relaxation strategies, physical activities, people to spend time with
Names and phone numbers of at least 3 people to contact when individual is feeling unsafe
List of safe (public) places to go
Emergency numbers: 911, emergency room, police, counselor, etc.
Non-harming contract

Conclusion: The Power of Attachment

An important message that teens need to hear all the time, but is important now more than ever, is that they are valued, accepted, and cared for by their parents and any other significant attachment figure in their lives. This message is important no matter how the teen is feeling or behaving, and no matter what is going on in their life. A positive parent-child relationship shields adolescents from the impact of negative life events, allowing the adolescent to better cope with the distress caused by the event. If a parent feels their adolescent is at risk of self-harm or suicide there are two things he or she can do: 1) Seek out professional help and 2). Facilitate a closer relationship with their teen.

References

Berghaus., B. J. (2011). A new look at attachment theory and adult “attachment” behavior.

Behaviorology Today, 14(2), 3-10.

Harter, S. (2012). The construction of self: developmental and sociocultural foundations (2nd ed.). New York: The Guilford Press.

Lessard, J.C. & Moretti, M. M. (1998). Suicidal ideation in an adolescent clinical sample: attachment patterns and clinical implications. Journal of Adolescence,21, 383-395.

Neufeld, G., Ph.D. (Speaker) (2003). Making Sense of Adolescence (DVD Study Course). Burnaby,
BC: Gordon Neufeld.

Parrott III, L. (2000). Suicide. In Helping the Struggling Adolescent: A guide to thirty-six common problems for counselors, pastors, and youth workers (pp. 430-439). Grand Rapids, Michigan.

© Coyright Sabrina Ragan M.Sc, CCC, CPT, RPsych

Possibilities Within F A S D

Sun, 12 Aug 2018 16:30:38 GMT

"What could be heavier and more impenetrable than a rock, the densest of all forms? And yet some rocks undergo a change in their molecular structure, turn into crystals, and so become transparent to the light."

~ Eckhart Tolle

Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD) is an umbrella term that captures various conditions of lifelong birth defects resulting from the mother’s consumptions of alcohol during pregnancy. One of the medical diagnoses echoed by FASD is Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS). Although there is no known cure for FASD, individuals impacted by it are not imprisoned by the disability. The depth, affect, and overall grip that the disorder can have on those inflicted by it vary depending on the vibrant interaction between one’s own nature and nurture.

Whether you are an individual impacted by FASD, a loved one, a community professional, or a student of life, strive to encounter the humanness that is within FASD, rather than exclusively seeing the labels or characteristics of it. One such characteristic of FASD is that of brain damage, which can be apparent in areas of intellectual disability and behavioural problems. Although factually correct, what does this actually mean? And what impact does this have on an individual’s ability to self-regulate his or her state of being?

Things that may seem obvious are not always true, and things that may seem true are not always obvious. Emotions, for example, is a word that is frequently used as a means to relate, distance, understand, describe, and/or uncover the various layers of our own experience(s). Though most of us can admit to having them, how many of us can actually define the experience itself? Relating this idea back to the brain, just because it has the ability to do something, it does not directly imply that we know why it does certain things when certain things unfold. In other words, the how of its workings is not entirely known or understood. People can be consciously aware of their thoughts, emotions, and/or actions or be completely unconscious to them.

Joseph LeDoux, a neuroscientist and author of The Emotional Brain, writes how the brain itself has no actual function, but it is rather a collection of systems engaged in various functions. Not all of the brain’s workings, however, are located above the neck. In her book Molecules of Emotion, Candace Pert reflects on her scientific research to illustrate how our inner chemicals, our in-house manufacturing plants of neuropeptides and their receptors, “are the actual biological underpinnings of our awareness, manifesting themselves as our emotions, beliefs, and expectations, and profoundly influencing how we respond to and experience our world” (pg. 9). Our brain network, therefore, is more mobile than once believed. This is a beautiful insight that touches the depth of our molecular being.

1. Given the assortment of networks located within our brain structure, and the constant movement, rhythmic dancing, and vibratory manners of our information molecules, it is safe to say that our biological constitution, our nature, is not preprogrammed, but influenced by the musical tone of our environment, our nurture. Regardless of our constitution, our destiny is not prearranged. Even the densest of all forms can change their molecular structure, and in turn, their relationship to life. An individual impacted by FASD can change his or her life situation. The journey is not about choosing a certain path, but to become more aware of the current path traveled, and from there, take the next step.
Below is a list of possible ideas that can help support children impacted by FASD. The list is inspired by Diane McGregor.

Get informed and allow yourself to be creative. Understanding the various links between the brain, mind, emotions, and behaviours is one thing; being able to apply it is another.

Give yourself permission to be creative with your knowledge.

Share the things that you believe you know – FASD relate or not – and voice the things that you may struggle with.

When sharing, be aware of your language – does it radiate affection, compassion, and acceptance, or reinforces hopelessness?

Allow yourself to be influenced by the child – don’t let age, developmental ability, and overall ego create an authoritative “I know best” attitude. You are in this together – the strength in rope comes from the weaving quality of every thread.

Play is a great vehicle for nurturing togetherness and stimulating personal growth.

2. Not everything the child does is the result of FASD. FASD is not who he or she is; it’s not an identity. FASD is an impact, something that the child can give a voice to.

3. Engage the child from where he or she is at by addressing the current developmental need(s). Learning new skills may take longer, which means that repetition, consistency, and voicing your acceptance are important ingredients for cultivating the relationship.

Creativity and play are great openings for showcasing your support and understanding.
Modify your environment in a way that allows the child to feel comfortable – be aware of the child’s current sensory ability and the sensory stimulation of the environment. Do they match?

4. Provide verbal and nonverbal cues.

Use multiple ways of communicating – words, facial expressions, sounds,colors, etc.

Allow time for learning to unfold – your goal is not the finish line, but the journey itself. It’s okay to re-phrase and repeat your instructions. If things do not change, re-examine your goal(s) and expectation(s). Ask yourself, who am I doing this for; and for whom is this important for at this moment in time?

5. Give the child permission to be himself or herself. It is okay for them to make mistakes – not all mistakes are the result of FASD. To be human is to be imperfect; thus, mistakes are a validation of our humanness.

6. Express acceptance towards setbacks. Remember, it is not the finish line that is important, but the journey. Setbacks happen to everyone. Take advantage of them by using them as guides for the journey.

7. If the child could do better, he or she would. Similar to learning academic skills, developmental skills is a learning process that takes time. Be patient with yourself and with the child. Although stimulating learning and problem-solving skills is important, trust in the natural process of learning and the organic nature of your relationship. Without an authentic relationship, the foundation set for learning is built on a sandy ground.

~ Tudor Caliman

References

Eckhart, T. (2005). A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpos. New York: Plume.

LeDoux, J. (1996). The Emotional Brain: The Mysteries Underpinnings of Emotional Life. New York: Simon & Schuster Inc.

McGregor, D., (2010). Understanding and Supporting Children with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. McGregor Counselling and Consulting Services.

Pert, B., C. (1997). Molecules of Emotion: The Science Behind Mind-Body Medicine. New York: Scribner.

© Coyright Sabrina Ragan M.Sc, CCC, CPT, RPsych

Top 32 Reasons to Add Play to Your Day

Sun, 12 Aug 2018 16:30:38 GMT

Sometimes when life gets busy we forget to play. Playing can invoke feelings of guilt that are associated with not being productive. For some, taking time to play and doing something they enjoy can make them feel childish and lazy. What many do not know however is how truly important it is to balance their day with play. Play is essential health and wellbeing. It is involved in the development of the brain, strengthening relationships, and keeping our mental health in check. Play is a fundamental life process we cannot do without. It brings joy to day to day living on many levels. Current research shows us that the drive for play and sleep are found in the same area of the brain. This suggests that play is as crucial to our functioning as sleep throughout our lifespan. Stuart Brown, in his popular book Play: How it shapes the brain, opens the imagination, and invigorates the soul, notes that the opposite of play is not work but depression. Read on to find a list of reasons why play is essential across the lifespan.

For Our Children

1. Play leads development. It helps children meet and exceed developmental milestones, giving them the opportunity to reach their full potential.

2. Play has an important role in learning and memory. It enhances the retention of knowledge.

3. Play triggers the release of brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF) which is essential for the growth of new brain cells, strengthening neural networks, and maintaining current ones. It plays a prominent role in how the brain develops.

4. Play helps to cultivate the areas of the brain responsible for attention, language skills, discriminating what information is relevant and what is not, monitoring and organizing thoughts and feelings, and planning for the future. Without the opportunity to play children are found to be handicapped in these skills and these deficits can last throughout the lifespan.

5. Frequent breaks for play at home and at school increase children’s attention span.

6. Play provides children a way to process and cope with life’s challenges.

7. Play develops and improves social skills.

8. Play, when it includes family or friends, increases a child’s sense of belonging.

9. Play helps children develop the ability to understand other’s points of view and through this they develop empathy.

10. Play teaches children about boundaries, cooperation, and teamwork.

11. Play develops and maintains a healthy self-concept, establishing and strengthening self-esteem and self-confidence.

12. Rough and tumble play facilitates the development of emotional regulation and cognitive
development.

13. Play facilitates the development of strong problem-solving skills and creativity.

14. Play provides children the opportunity to explore, learn lessons, practice skills, and make mistakes without being in danger.

15. Play paramount to a child’s ability to be flexible, adaptable, and to cope with small and large transitions.

16. Play increases a child’s resilience to meet future challenges.

17. Play helps children experience greater self-responsibility by allowing them a sense of control and mastery in their play.

18. Play helps parents tune into their child and understand who their child is. Play also helps parents know what their child’s needs are, what drives their child, and what interests their child about the world.

19. Play facilitates a strong bond between the parent and child that lasts throughout the lifespan.

20. Play makes parenting easier. The stronger bond helps a child feel important, understood, and accepted. This bond results in children responding more favorably to rules and structure put in place by parents. This strategy works for teachers too!

For Adolescents

21. The brain is reorganizing itself and is in its second major stage of development during adolescence. As with infancy and childhood, play is every bit as important to the process of development including: creativity, motivation, enhancing performance, understanding the world, and finding oneself.

22. Play maintains strong parent-child bonds while adolescents start the process of differentiating from the family.

23. Play maintains a strong self-esteem and self-confidence that was developed in childhood.

For Adults:
24. Frequent play breaks helps adults focus better on the task at hand.

25. As with children, play continues to help adults make sense of their world and understand themselves better.

26. Play stimulates creativity.

27. Play relieves stress and has a positive effect on mental health.

28. Play increases joy and satisfaction in work and in life in general.

29. Play stimulates processing of dilemmas and challenges; it increases problem-solving abilities, and increases the number of possible solutions to a dilemma.

30. Play creates and maintains strong bonds in couple and parent-child relationships.

31. Play wards off Alzheimer’s and dementia by developing new neural connections and strengthening existing ones.

For Employers:
32. Play in the workplace increases productivity, develops higher job satisfaction, increases company morale, enhances the team environment, and decreases absenteeism.

So How Do We Play?

If you have not played in a long time, you may have forgotten how. What follows is a brief list of pointers to understand what play is and how to engage in it either individually, with your family, or with peers.

1. Find something that brings you joy and lose yourself in it. If you are immersed in play you should feel like time is suspended and find it difficult to pull yourself away from the activity.

2. The activity you choose should be engaged in for the purpose of pleasure and not have a specific goal.

When engaging in play with children there are also several rules to keep in mind:

1. Be at your child’s eye level and follow them around.

2. Allow your child to choose the activity and direct how it should go. Please note: Videogames do not count as play.

3. Play with your child is not a time for lectures. If limits are needed they should only be used for the safety of people and objects. And, if limits are set they should only be set when needed.

4. As with adult play, there should not be a purpose in play except to enjoy each other and the activity. If you find yourself teaching or making the activity educational you are no longer playing.

5. Find something that brings you and your child joy and engage in it.
So if you choose to do anything for yourself and your family today choose play. In the words
of Stuart Brown “play is like fertilizer for brain growth. It’s crazy not to use it” (p. 101).

References
Brantton, S.C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) Treatment Manual: A 10-sesion filial therapy model for training parents. New York: Routledge Taylor & Francis Group.
Greenspan, S.I. (1995). The Challenging Child: Understanding, raising, and enjoying the five “difficult” types of children. Massachusetts: Addison-Wesley Publishing Company, Inc.
Brown, S. (2009). Play: How it shapes the brain, opens the imagination, and invigorates the soul. New York: Penguin Group.

© Coyright Sabrina Ragan M.Sc, CCC, CPT, RPsych